I’m sick of waiting for the government. They couldn’t make a decision to end my life let alone theirs. With Bishops in the Lords and a pseudo Christian attitude in government, it should come as no surprise. Meanwhile, thousands die from Covid and many more will die as the NHS waiting list extends ever longer. Somehow, everybody pretends that death is not on the agenda, that it does not happen. However, in this post, I am talking about me, my life and my death. I believe euthanasia should be allowed yet it is not quite so simple. For instance, Dignitas is expensive and a long way off. It’s also a middle class death, and it’s followed by cremation, which destroys the world. However, the alternative, of some doctor being required to give me a lethal dose, is not fair on them. Euthanasia – the ultimate gift, is my novel solution.

Perpetual slumber

I have designed a new product, the most comfortable pillow ever. It’s called the Snuffy. It will be made using duck down. All the ducks involved will be eaten so there will be no waste. There will be electrical controls, principally a microprocessor. At night, you settle your head into the pillow and sleep the sleep of the gods. The microprocessor will analyse when you are in deep sleep, what they call delta sleep. Assuming you have switched it on, the Snuffy will slowly coil around your face and neck and inflate. It will be rather like one of those cuffs that inflate to take your blood pressure. It will be impossible to remove. However, it will give me the ideal obituary; that I died quietly in my sleep. I was quiet, of course, because my mouth was shut off.

Euthanasia – the ultimate gift

You need to balance this option with the alternative, of going into the nursing home in my picture. I don’t want that, what is the point of just hanging on. The thought of somebody having to wipe my arse, other than me, fills me with dread. Incontinence pads stink! So, this is the ultimate gift to me. To protect those around me, I need to buy it, personally, using my credit card. I don’t want anybody to be accused of a crime. There will be two controls to ensure safe use. One, a safety switch to click on, then, a fingerprint sensor. This can only be switched on by the purchaser’s finger. And don’t worry, there will be a money back guarantee should you be dissatisfied. I am not expecting a lot of refunds.

The post mortem

The coroner will have to look into the death. At first, there will be a lot of postmortems but over time, that will decrease. The Snuffy death will quickly gain official recognition. If this worries you then consider the alternative causes of death. How about fell over the cot sides erected to contain the raving you. Or pneumonia, basically drowning in your own snot. Imagine, there will be no deathbed scene, all those faces peering at you as you croak your last words. Let’s hope those are not, “I switched the bloody Snuffy on so what went wrong?”

The patent

Anybody keen to take over the patent will be welcome, free of charge. Ideal applicants need to be over 70, pragmatic, not religious, and above all, honest. Applicants will need to accept definitive words, especially ‘dead’. If you prefer, ‘passed over’, ‘gone to a better place’, ‘off with the fairies’ or ‘at peace in heaven’ then forget it. Let’s call a spade a spade. I die, you die, we all die. Why can’t each of us choose the moment?