It’s an age thing, the need for artificial grass. As I grow older and less well I envisaged plastic grass as no less essential than a Stannah stairlift. There comes a time in the life of all old gardeners, when you have hang up your dibber for the last time. However, no plastic grass for me because the stuff is far worse than supermarket plastic bags; artificial grass is bad for the environment. Our gardens cover about 2% of land in the UK. They are the last reserve of hedgehogs and much wildlife. And who plants trees in artificial grass?

The positives

Because my headline has a negative tone, I want to consider whether there are any positives. Well, artificial grass is better than a concrete patio because it allows rain to penetrate into the soil. It is also better than an over manicured lawn, which is often a male thing. This would be where you cut the grass at least once per week and add chemicals. These would include artificial fertiliser, most of which is made from oil. The weeds will be killed using a herbicide, which often poisons the worms beneath. Lawn lovers can also develop certain manias whereapon they lie in bed at night convinced that the lawn is under attack. Rabbits, voles, pigeons, cats, dogs and hedgehogs become the enemy. Many wives also fear placing washing on the lawn, or even a seat. Artificial grass can resolve these issues.

Mental health

Artificial grass may well help the male gardener overcome another serious mental health issue. It is called chronic squarrosus psychosis, otherwise known as a morbid fear of moss. If this feathery plant is seen in the lawn it can bring on serious hand wringing, sleep deprivation and even a withdrawal from all sexual activity. Artificial grass might well be an antidote to this condition. Alternatively, many women might see the condition as relatively mild and the symptoms conducive to marital bliss.

Artificial grass is bad for the environment

The conclusion, as you expected, is not good. It is a fact that no research has been done on artificial grass and its impact on the environment. For certain, it warms the air whereas grass cools it. Neither, would you believe, can the stuff be recycled. No birds can use it. Whereas lawn turf locks up carbon, plastic grass does not. Some artificial grass uses rubber and releases microplastic into the air. Consequently, my lawn is full of weeds and moss, pigeons feed on it and rabbits dig holes in it. What does that say about me? The answer, I suspect, is that I suffer from some sort of environmental mania.