The Dead Defeat Global Warming

 In Death & Funerals, Environment, pensioners

I have been considering my carbon footprint and it’s depressing. However, forget vehicle mileage and all the obvious carbon issues because it’s really the hidden things. For instance, I recently saw my GP after a blood test. The NHS has a mega carbon footprint and passes it down to the service users. The more I use the NHS, the higher my footprint. This terminal period, from aged 75 years onwards, is the end of my world and, potentially, yours. That’s partly because I am no longer sequestering carbon. I did that when I was at work, planting trees and creating conservation areas. Consequently, I am now a carbon problem and will consume increasing amounts as I age. However, if the dead defeat global warming is really all about me, what does it mean?

Carbon Incontinence

What happens as my mobility worsens? No more hills, no more fell runs. Then, the nursing home, with it’s overheated rooms and staff waiting to wipe my backside every day. Poop really does have a high carbon footprint. No more cotton pants on the washing line. I have this vision of tens of thousands of incontinence pads going to landfill and I will feel helpless. Perhaps they will offer people like me low carbon care? What would that look like or, moreover, feel like? Would it include a freezing room and meals without meat. If so, perhaps Dignitas will be more appealing. That said, even Dignitas will need to be more carbon aware. Their marketing might have to ignore terminal illness and pain. It may be more about the fact that you have reached your carbon allowance and it’s time to go. However, they will then need to stop cremating the body because that process is a carbon disaster.

Dead defeat global warming

However, I have devised a new pensioner strategy that might just redeem me. It is a cunning plan. When I die, I will go into my natural burial grave, already bought and waiting for me. Then, my will must highlight my evolving post-mortem carbon footprint. For certain, an oak tree will grow from my languid limbs and flower dense turf will be my eiderdown. Each of these will lock-up carbon for the next 50 years. Why the hell should somebody use my carbon sequestration? It’s all mine and as I decompose, the plants above me will utterly destroy my lifetime carbon footprint. Surely, I am in some sort of paradise if I seek to look after the living long after I have gone.

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